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Post by donavan on Jun 11, 2018 9:00:00 GMT
I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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Post by donavan on Jun 13, 2018 11:56:07 GMT
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a copper pulls him over:
'Have you been drinking?' He asks. 'Just water' replied the priest. Cop says, 'So why do I smell wine?' Priest looks over at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord, he's done it again'
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Post by longinglook on Jul 17, 2018 2:50:13 GMT
A mother finds out her wants to play bass, so she lovingly purchases an instrument and lessons for him. After the first lesson, she asks how it went. The son replies, "Great! Today I learned how to tune the bass." A week goes by and the son goes to his second lesson. His mother again asks, "How'd it go?" The son says, "Great! Today I learned how to play all the notes on the E string." Another week goes by and the mother asks, "How was the third lesson, son?" The son says, "I skipped it. I got a gig."
(It's possible this joke is only funny if you are a working guitarist.)
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Post by longinglook on Jul 24, 2018 16:17:00 GMT
You see, the funny part is the kid gets a gig after only two lessons. Because you don't need to know much to be a working bass player.
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Post by longinglook on Jul 24, 2018 16:21:39 GMT
Is it customary to explain one's jokes or have I broken with precedent?
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Post by donavan on Jul 24, 2018 18:36:56 GMT
Just because we didn't laugh doesn't mean we didn't get it
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Post by donavan on Sept 8, 2018 14:08:47 GMT
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.
Is that a trick question?
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Post by donavan on Nov 16, 2018 9:10:08 GMT
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ‘OK, now what?'
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Post by donavan on Jan 1, 2019 1:25:29 GMT
My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant! Roll on next year!
Happy New Year everyone! ☺🙂xx
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Post by Terra Incognita on Jul 31, 2019 2:51:42 GMT
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he's finished all three, he goes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him: 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home in Cork, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them by taking sips from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then starts to laugh. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!'
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Post by donavan on Aug 1, 2019 1:31:18 GMT
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."
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Post by Terra Incognita on Aug 2, 2019 16:51:50 GMT
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"
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Post by Terra Incognita on Aug 24, 2019 4:13:59 GMT
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The Bartender asks him why, and the pirate says: "Argh, It’s driving me nuts!"
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Post by Terra Incognita on Sept 3, 2019 16:58:30 GMT
A Cowboy rides up to a saloon, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.
An old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thing you did there. Can I ask why you did that?"
The cowboy replies, "Well I got chapped lips."
The old man says, "Does that cure 'em?
The cowboy says, "No, but it sure keeps me from licking 'em."
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Post by Terra Incognita on Sept 6, 2019 21:20:42 GMT
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
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