What if the lads from Swindon had decided to piss away their talents and write nothing but commercial jingles? Here are some of the titles they might have come up with. Apologies to non-Americans who might not recognize some of the companies listed, as not every country is a spraddle-legged whore covered in corporatist mansauce (big jizzness, if you like).
Across This Fantaheap The Aflaciated Allstate Along the Watchtower Another Crystallite The Electronic Arts Song Audi Comes Around The Ballad of Peterbilt Pumpkinhead Energizer Battery Brides Beating of Hertz Lincoln Beatown Car Huffy Bike Ride to the Moon Blame the Werther's Blue Bonnet Blue Overallstate Bordened Up Penguin Books Are Burning Born Out of Your Lavoris Mouthwash Bungasweetandlow Burning With Opti-Vision's Frames BuzzCiti Talking Yankee Candle Dance Brach's Candymine Chalkhilfigers and Children Cherry Coke in Your Tree Church's Chicken of Women CollideaScope Mouthwash Nabiscomplicated Game Ray Krocodile Crowded Roomba Cynical Days Inn Dame Fortune 500 Dance Band-aid Days Inn, Day Out John Deere God Don't Let Us VW Bug ya Don't Lose Your Tempurpedic Don't You Ever Dare Call Me Kentucky Fried Chickenhead Mountain Dew What You Dew Down in the Cockpitney Bowes Earn Enough For Toys 'R' Us Easter AMC Theater End of the Peerless Faucets English Leather Roundabout The Everyday Story of Smalltown House Crackers Everything'll Be Allstate Fedextrovert Find the Twentieth Century Fox Gamefly on the Wall Fritolay Tonight Dole Fruit Nut Funk Pop a Rocks Gangway, General Electric Guitar is Coming Through Olive Garden of Earthly Delights Generals and Motors Gold Medal Flour Goodbye Humana-saurus Grey Goosey Goosey Great Firehouse Subs Jolly Greengiantman Hang on to the Knights Inn Happy Meal Families Have You Seen Jack-in-the-Box? Heat Waverunner Bell Helicopter Heaven is Paved With Tiffany Glass Here Comes President Kellogg's Again The History of Rock 'n' Rold Gold Pretzels Hold Me My GoDaddy Holly Up on Jiffy Poppy Human T-falchemy Humble Daisy Sour Cream I Bought Myself a Firebird I Can't Own Hershey's I Can't Tell What Simple Truth is Anymore I Defy You Gravy Train I'd Nike That I Gave My Samsonite Away I'm VW Bugged I'm the Man Who Murdered Love Chocolate In Another Life Cereal I Need ADT Protection Instant iTunes Into the Adam and Eve Age I Remember the Sunoco It's Nearly Ikea It's Snoconing Angels I Wonder Why the Wonderbreadfalls Burger King For a Day Knights Inn Shining Karma Knuckle Downy Fabric Softener Epiladybird The Last Ball Jar The Laughing Cow Track Let's Make a Dentyne Metlife Begins at the Hop Lifelock is Good in the Greenhouse Millerliteheaded Realimelight Little Tollhouse Living Through Another Cub Cadet Looking For Footjoyprints Love at First Alert Love on a State Farmboy's Wages Making Plans For Nyquil The Man Who Sailed Around His Kia Soul The Mayor of Simple Truth McDonald's Dancing (Oh Ray Kroc) Me and the Windex The Armour Meating Place Wendy's Bacon Mushroom Melt the Guns Merely a Manwich Minutemaid Smiled General Millions Miniature Sun Microsystems The Dole From the Ministry Harley-Davidson Landscape My Bell Perfumes My UPS Guitar My Land o Lakes is Melting My Love Fedexplodes My Gravy Train is Coming Fig Newton Animal in a Furnished Cage No Longines in Our Lungs No Thugs in Our Maxwell House Obscene Goprocession Officer Blue Bonnet Hotels.comnibus One of the General Millions 1000 Totes Umbrellas Open a Can (Of Bush's Baked Beans) Outside Petworld Over Rusty Zerowater Charmin Toilet Paper and Iron Pinkberry Thing Gameplayground Standard and Poor'skeleton Steps Out Prince of Orange Crush Hawaiian Punch and Judy Radioshack in Motion Ra Ra For Red Robin Horse Realemon by Reel Red Devil Red Roof Dreams White Rain of Blows Respectable Wall Street (I can barely type this without vomiting) Frigidaireway Path River of Orkids 'R' Us Rocket Mortgage From a Bottle Sacrificial Cinnabonfire Science 3M Friction Tape Singer Scissor Man Seagulls Screaming Hershey Kiss Her, Kiss Her Lowry's Seasoned Salt Cycle Sen-sen Working Overtime Set Myself on Fire with Kingsford Charcoal Lighter Sergeant Flea and Tick (Is Going to Help Me) Steak and Shake You Donkey Up She's So SquareEnix Ship Trapped in the Molson Ice Sleepnumberheads The Smartfood Monkeys Wright's Liquid Smokeless Zone The Unisomnambulist Sonic Drive-In Boom Space Wray Kroc Spinning Stove Top Dressing Spiral Marketing Campaign Standing in For Trader Joe's Statue of Liberty Mutual Insurance Stupidly Happy Meals Summer IcyHot as This Summer's Eve Cauldron Chunky Souper-Tuff Take This Town House Cracker Ten Foot Locker Tall That's Really Progresso Souper, Super Girl That Eggwave Things Fall to Bacobits That is the Subway This is Pop Secret? This is the Lands'End This Tire World Over Through General Electric Gardens The Tiny Circus of Life Cereal Kleenex Tissue Tigers Too Many Cooks in the Kitchenaid 1-800-Flowers of London K-B Toys Traffic Bud Light Rock Train Running Low on Coca-cola Travelocity in Nihilon 25 O'clockheed Martin 2 White Rainbeau Melt The Ugly Underalls Toys 'R' Us Being Us Vanishing Cover Girl Visit to the Rug Doctor Wait Til Yamaha Boat Goes Down Wake Up! with Vivarin Welcome to VO 5 We're All Natty Light What in the World Gym? The Bridgestone Wheel and the Maypole Where is Your Hartz? Wonder Bread Annual Wonderbreadland The World is Full of Angry Yoplait Wounded Beaver Horseradish Wrapped in Grey Poupon Fed EX Wires Viking Yacht Dance You and the White Clouds Will Still be Beautiful You Bring the Summer's Eve Ernst and Young Cleopatra Young Marie Callenders Your Dick's-ionary Sporting Goods You're a Good Man Hashed Brown (Curse You Cracker Barrel) You're My Pfizer Drug Your Gold Newman's Own Dressing You're the Wishbone Dressing (You Are) I Had Zonked Right Out (On Life Cereal)
White Castle Music GoDaddy 2 Drumsticks and Wires Black Seagram's English Settlementos Steak'emummer The Big Mac Express Skyylarking Sunkist Oranges and Lemons BarNonesuch Steve Jobs' Apple Venus Wasp Starkist Tuna Rag and Bone Hometown Buffet Fossil Watches Fuel 7-Upsy Daisy Assortment Burlington Coat Factory of Many Cupboards Chips Ahoy From the Chocolate Fireball Psonic Drive-In Psunspot 25 O'Chock Full a Nuts Fuzzy Redbulls
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here--this is the war room.
I think it is funny that Sam Adams beer has just begun an ad campaign encouraging people to toast each other by clinking their beer bottles together before putting said bottles to their lips. Ah, coronavirus, you have truly fucked us all.
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here--this is the war room.